President Muhammadu Buhari on Monday addressed the gathering of world leaders at the United Nations General Assembly in New York, United States.

Read The President’s Full Speech Below [What he meant and did not utter is inserted in bold, italics and square parenthesis]:

On behalf of my country, Nigeria, [where I recently visited for the second time since this year], I congratulate you Mr President on your election and Mr (Antonio) Gutteres on his first General Assembly outing as our Secretary-General. I assure you both of my country’s solidarity and cooperation.[as long as you both remain mute as I brutalize my people] You will indeed need the cooperation of all Member States as we are meeting during extra-ordinarily troubled and dangerous times. Let me also thank former Secretary-General Mr Ban ki-Moon for his service to the United Nations and wish him a peaceful retirement.[He kept a blind eye and remained mute while I massacred my people].

Mr President, the previous year has witnessed many far-reaching developments. Some of the most significant events include the Iran Nuclear Deal, the Paris Climate Change Agreement and, of grave concern, the North Korean nuclear crisis. [Mr President, pardon me. I am shortsighted and consequently have a blind spot with regards to the most significant crisis in my own country].

Mr President, I must also commend the UN’s role in helping to settle thousands of innocent civilians caught in the conflicts in Syria, Iraq and Afghanistan.[I have ensured thousands remain displaced by man-made crises and I don’t even bother to visit those displaced by natural disasters at home]. In particular, we must collectively thank the Government of the Federal Republic of Germany under the commendable leadership of Chancellor Angela Merkel and the Governments of Italy, Greece and Turkey for assisting hundreds of thousands of refugees. [Like I did to IDP camps, get my military to bomb them, human error style (winks)].

In an exemplary show of solidarity, the international community came together within my own region to assist the countries and communities in the Sahel and the Lake Chad regions to contain the threats posed by Al Qaida and Boko Haram. [We have since tried to redeploy using the new code names of “cattle rustlers” and “Herdsmen”].

We thank the Security Council for visiting the countries of the Lake Chad Basin to assess the security situation and humanitarian needs, and for pledging assistance to rebuild lives and livelihoods. Indeed, in Nigeria, we are providing relief and humanitarian assistance to millions in internally displaced camps and those afflicted by terrorism, drought, floods and other natural disasters.[If you are in doubt, ask grass cutter Babachir]

In the last year, the international community came together to focus on the need for gender equality, youth empowerment, social inclusion, and the promotion of education, creativity and innovation. [We have started monitoring of social media by the military and we are about to enact anti-social media bill]. The frontiers of good governance, democracy including holding free and fair elections, and enthronement of the rule of law are expanding everywhere, especially in Africa. [I disobey court orders with impunity. Even some popular figures like Dasuki and Zakzaky with valid court release judgements are still being detained, because I have the full picture].

Our faith in democracy remains firm and unshaken. Our regional organisation ECOWAS came together to uphold democratic principles in The Gambia [Because that was what you wanted then] – as we had done previously in Cote D’Ivoire. [You are yet to tell me what you want done in Togo].

Through our individual national efforts, state institutions are being strengthened to promote accountability, and to combat corruption and asset recovery. [All you need is an-EFCC type body who will frequently announce the discovery of mind-boggling sums in buildings, closed spaces and public places. You can even attribute ownership to previous leaders. It will confound the docile and excite the dogmatic supporters]. These can only be achieved through the international community cooperating and providing critical assistance and material support. We shall also cooperate in addressing the growing transnational crimes such as forced labour, modern day slavery, human trafficking and cybercrime. [We have enforced the disappearance of hundreds of youths, men and women in Zaria and other places using our military. That has remarkably reduced the unemployment rate].

Mr President, these cooperative efforts should be sustained. We must collectively devise strategies and mobilise the required responses to stop fleeing ISIS fighters from mutating and infiltrating into the Sahel and the Lake Chad Basin, where there are insufficient resources and response capacity is weak.[We are similarly working hard to devise strategies and mobilise required responses to mutate redeployed Boko Haram fighters, with whom we negotiated and paid off only recently, to become the new rampaging Herdsmen. There will be insufficient resources, including the political will to combat them].

This will require strong UN cooperation with regional organisations, such as the African Union, in conflict prevention and management. The UN should continue to take primary leadership of the maintenance of international peace and security by providing, in a predictable and sustainable manner, adequate funding and other enablers to regional initiatives and peacekeeping operations authorized by the Security Council.[We cherish your continued silence on these matters thus far].

Mr President, new conflicts should not make us lose focus on ongoing unresolved old conflicts.[We have not lost focus of Shia massacre even as we have started a new IPOB python dance]. For example, several UN Security Council Resolutions from 1967 on the Middle East crisis remain unimplemented. [Just as the famous Justice Gabriel Kolawole landmark judgement remains unimplemented]. Meanwhile, the suffering of the Palestinian people and the blockade of Gaza continue. [Meanwhile, the suffering of the Shia people and the clampdown on their Movement continue].

Additionally, we are now confronted by the desperate human rights and humanitarian situations in Yemen and most tragically in the Rakhine State of Myanmar.[Additionally we are confronted by the desperate human rights situation we created in Abia]. The Myanmar crisis is very reminiscent of what happened in Bosnia in 1995 and in Rwanda in 1994. [The Abia crisis is very reminiscent of what we did in Zaria in 2015 and Kaduna/Kano/Jos/Funtua in 2016].
The international community cannot remain silent and not condemn the horrendous suffering caused by what, from all indications is a state-backed programme of brutal depopulation of the Rohingya inhabited areas in Myanmar on the bases of ethnicity and religion. [The international community must remain silent and refuse to condemn the horrendous suffering caused by what, clearly is our state-backed pogrom against the Shias on the basis of religion].We fully endorse the call by the Secretary-General on the Government of Myanmar to order a halt to the ongoing ethnic cleansing and ensure the safe return of the displaced Rohingya to their homes in safety and dignity. [We fully appreciate the silence of the Secretary- General on our government not to call for a halt to the ongoing minority religious cleansing and not to ensure return of their leader and members to their homes in safety and dignity].
In all these crises, the primary victims are the people, the most vulnerable being women and children. [The very example of of those I killed and buried in mass graves in the Zaria massacre].That is why the theme of this session: Focusing on People: Striving for Peace and Decent Life for All on a Sustainable Planet” is most apposite. [That is why the theme of this session: Focusing on People: Striving for Peace and Decent Life for All on a Sustainable Planet” is satirical].

While the international community grapples to resolve these conflicts, we must be mindful and focus on the widening inequalities within societies, and the gap between the rich and the poor nations. These inequalities and gaps are part of the underlining root causes of competition for resources, frustration and anger leading to spiralling instability.[We on our part, have brought the national economy to a standstill].

The most pressing threat to international peace and security today is the accelerated nuclear weapons development programme by North Korea. Since the Cuban missile crisis of 1962, we have never come so close to the threat of nuclear war as we have now. [I told you of my legendary shortsightedness. I don’t see that what threatens peace in my own immediate environment is the extreme poverty, hopelessness or wretchedness I caused my people but farfetched threat caused by some others].

All necessary pressure and diplomatic efforts must be brought to bear on North Korea to accept a peaceful resolution of the crisis. [So long as you leave me to continue my pogrom]. As Hiroshima and Nagasaki painfully remind us, if we fail, the catastrophic and devastating human loss and environmental degradation cannot be imagined. [Only God can imagine what the devastating and catastrophic human loss will be when I finish my term].

Mr President, Nigeria proposes a strong UN delegation to urgently engage the North Korean Leader. [So long I will be let off the hook] The delegation, led by the Security Council, should include members from all the regions.

The crisis in the Korean peninsula underscores the urgency for all member states, guided by the spirit of enthroning a safer and more peaceful world, to ratify without delay the Treaty prohibiting nuclear weapons, which will be open for signature here tomorrow. [Toothless treaty like resolutions I quoted above]

Mr President, I end my remarks by reiterating Nigeria’s abiding commitment to the foundational principles and goals of the United Nations. [Hypocrisy and double standards]. Since our admission as a member state in 1960, we have always participated in all efforts to bring about global peace, security and development. Nigeria will continue to support the UN in all its efforts, including the attainment of the 2030 Agenda for Sustainable Development.[the mirage].

I thank you.[For not holding me responsible for the massacre of my people].